name [neɪm] n
1. a word or term by which a person or thing is commonly and distinctively known
I have just been staring at my own name trying to chose one script over another in the creation of my pimped-up signature for this here blog. And as I was looking at those 5 little letters repeated over and over down my screen I felt oddly distanced from the word. Not so much the sound of it as the sight of it. And I realised it not often these days I actually write my name on anything anymore. I might print it in full with "block capitals in blue or black ink only" when filling out the occasional form but other then that it is rare that I only write my name. Usually it is nestled between my two Ns (one big, one small) in the company of the Master Q and Little Miss E.
And more often then not it is another name by which I am more likely to be called these days - "mum". At times I do feel overwhelmed by it all, as though in the creation of my children I lost a part of myself and perhaps I did - there is a quote I discovered in the days when I had time to scrapbook that stays with me.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body".
(Oh mighty google has just revealed the source to me - a writer called Elizabeth Stone)
I remember been worried when I was pregnant with Master Q that I would be unable to love him as much as I love Little N simply because I love Little N so entirely but to my utter delight it was as though I had grown a whole new heart which which to love Q and again for Little Miss E. Yes I may have given up part of who I am by becoming their mother but in becoming their mother they have given me a whole new self.
And for that I will always be grateful.